I Am From Venus!

Yep! Lately, I feel like I am from another planet, such as Venus, living in Istanbul on Earth. If I was coming from the planet Venus to inspect Earth, I would probably say this world sucks (pardon me), the living creatures here have no humanity although they call themselves human. Although, would it be easier to inspect this world and the creatures living on it as an outsider (as in someone from another planet) or insider (living within the community)? I consider myself as an outsider, foreigner living in a new community. I can't tel you where I'm from really, at least not one place, and I don't think I can call any place home anymore. This makes me so insecure about where I'm living now...dah!
But, guess what happened...I finally got myself to sit in silent meditation! (ok! it's been only 2 days in a row now, but it's been awhile since I did it). I had tried this before, maybe several times a year during a yoga class, in the beginning I hated it, was so painfully boring, and then after 6 years of yoga practice, my yoga teacher training required me to do that everyday for a month and somehow I loved it then and promised (huh?) myself I would keep doing it everyday, but of course I didn't do it once we got other assignments. But it has been always on my mind, "I have to meditate today or I have to do my own yoga practice at home today" ...it's not like I hadn't done it before, but my mind is so good at finding excuses and getting angry ever since I'm living in Istanbul.
I'm reading a book in Turkish called Mavi Orman (Blue Forest), by Defne Suman, a Shadow yoga teacher living in US and Turkey. And I'm thinking I'm so good at picking the book that exactly matches my mood and my needs at that time...this has been going on for about a year (cross my fingers!). I decided I love this book from the first page I read. Actually I love the title too! It's making me think a lot, reflect on myself and the changes in my life. I feel my yoga practice is supposed to be doing this to me, not this book, but maybe I needed the extra kick of inspiration from this book.
Actually just when I've been thinking..."I think I've learned everything I need about yoga" I am being bombarded with all these new concepts, techniques, ideas about yoga that I had no idea existed or for some reason I had been ignoring them for so long. Now I know the more I practice and the more I experience life, searching and learning never ends!
So, going back to my life in Istanbul being an alien from Venus.
I don't like what I have become while living in Istanbul with my parents. I don't feel like myself, it feels like all my self-work, from doing yoga and growing in US are gone to waste which feels like a nightmare coming true!!!
So, this is why I feel alien to a culture, house, people that supposedly I could say I'm part of, but I don't think I am really. Also, what's the point in forcing it so hard? Yes I know life is hard anywhere whatever you're doing, but I don't have the same desire to go on as I did when life was hard in US. Maybe it's the lack of a community, a safe place for me to feel welcomed and at home. I haven't found this in Istanbul, not with old friends or with my family and can't say much about new friends since it's too soon....but I have hope for Bodrum, I had the feeling of a community where I belong there, so Seriously! I just have to get settled there as soon as I can.
Anyway, I forgot to mention what happened after the meditations...I felt so comfortable, safe and at home while sitting in meditation, I felt it within me, I was IT, the safe home. And once it was over I was able to carry that feeling throughout the house and into majority of my day. Wow! This is amazing! Could I possibly do this everyday? Since, I have definitely decided to live in Bodrum and my time in Istanbul is temporary and we know the ecstasy mood after yoga and meditation is real easy to continue when you're not in a chaotic living space, Can I do this in a chaotic living space? or in other words, Could I meditate everyday in my chaotic life in Istanbul and hold on to the safe home ecstasy feeling right in the middle of chaos? I know I can do it in a full hot Baptiste style yoga class where the person literally next to me is dripping their sweat on me (and mine on them), so why not in a super crazy, smelly and crowded city like Istanbul when even living with my parents seems so crowded to me? This is going to be my homework to myself while I live in Istanbul! If I can do this then maybe I won't have to be so irritated and angry in Istanbul, I might learn something very important. Or maybe I am really from Venus and they're going to come back for me and save me from this planet:))
We'll see...I'll write to you from Venus:)
I love these words from a teacher, "Take a deep breath, and let the moment go." It makes it easier to end things when you don't want to end it but know that you have to.
Love to you all:)