Showing posts with label Yoga. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Yoga. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Patika


Bir yol. Dağlardan, orman içinden, su kenarlarından geçen dik, bazen düz, bazen taşlı, bazen camurlu yollar. Bu yollar eski köylerden, tarihi yerleşim alanlarından, müthiş manzaralar eşliğinde geçerek esrarengiz ve rahatlatıcı bir hava akımını başlatıyor. Bir yerlerde bu yollar, patikalar birleşiyor, ve sonra yine ayrılıyorlar. İşte bu yolların birleştiği noktalardan biride Faralya köyündeki Patika Merkezi.
Buranın nasıl bir yer olduğunu anlamak için internetten bakmak araştırmak yetmiyor, oraya gidip kendi gözlerinizle görüp, kendi bedeninizle tecrübe etmeniz gerekiyor. Orada kalarak, bahçede büyüyen doğal şifalı bitkilerin sayesinde hazırlanan yemeklerle, içeçeklerle, yogayla, manzarası, doğası, havası, insanları ve kesinlikle bu projenin ana damarı, kalbi olan Erol ile sohpetler ve belki ev yapımı şarapları sayesinde tam oracıkta oraya aşık olmak gerekiyor. Belki bu da yetmiyor, oradan bi ayrılmak gerekiyor, oranın değerini daha iyi anlayabilmek, özleyebilmek ve geri dönüş planları yaparak bu yola, Patika projesine katkıda bulunmak için.
Yağmurlu bir Salı günü varmıştım Patika’ya, Ölüdeniz, ve Kelebekler Vadisi manzaralı ve nefes kesen dar virajları olan dağ yollarından. Nisan ayında bahçe bayram ediyordu. Baharın gelmesiyle tüm ağaçlar yeşerirken, rengarenk çiçekler her yerden bana gülümsüyordu, aralardan fışkıran otlar, papatyalar kaplamıştı Patikanın kendi yollarını. O dönemdeki sevgili gönüllü çalışanlar, Meriz, Una ve Sandra’nın yardımlarıyla güzelim taş evime yerleştikten sonra açık Akdeniz manzarasına daldım. Erol günlük güzellik uykusundaydı:) Sonra uyandığında bahçenin turunu verdikten sonra hep beraber mis gibi yemekler yedik, Patika üzümlerinden ev yapımı şarabı içtik ve gece uykumuza daldık. Ertesi gün pırıl pırıldı. Güneş arada bi yüzünü gösteriyor, havayı ısıtıyordu. Bende çevreyi, bitkileri, dağları, manzaraları keşfetmekle meşgul buldum kendimi. Gönüllü çalışanları, köyden gelen yardımcılar, ustalar, Erol ve o ortamda yaşayan herkes tam bir doğal çevre oluşturarak doğayla uyumlu bir şekilde bahçe, yemek, ev yapımı, ev onarımı, vs. gibi işlerle uğraşıyorlardı. Permakültür. Yani permenant culture, süreklilik sağlayan bir çevre. Doğayla iç içe yaşayarak, ondan almakla kalmayıp, ona geri vererek. Tam anlamıyla geri dönüşüm uygulayarak.
Ben bu doğal oluşuma, Erol’a ve çevreye seyrekalmıştım. Çok yorgundum geldiğimde, İstanbul, şehir yorgunluğu vardı üzerimde. Konuşacak ne halim vardı ne de çok isteğim. Tam istediğim gibi izole, sessiz, sakin bir yere gelmiştim sonunda. Patika’nın akışına bırakıverdim kendimi, geri kalan herşeyi unutarak. Arada salata için otlar topladım, bahçenin çiçekleriyle masaları dekore ettim, mersin ağacının yaprağını keşfettim, ve çay yapımında kullandım, vs. yani bende ordan burdan ufak ufak bu çevrenin bir parçası olmuştum. Bazı günler ve bazı saatlerde çevrede olan işlerden dolayı elektrik kesintileri, ve su sorunları oluyordu, geceleri soğuktu, yani tam bir dağ köyü hayatı gibiydi. Geri kalan dünyadan tamamiyle kopmuştum, ve aslında bu durumdan memnundum. Bu hal bana çok iyi geldi. Zaten oradayken başka şeyleri insan nasıl düşünebilir bilemiyorum. Yapmam gereken Yoga Terapi eğitimi için ödevleri bile zar zor konsantre olarak tamamlayabildim. Tek isteğim sanki doğayı tüm duyularımla içime çekmek, kucaklamaktı; doğa ile bütünleşmek. Bir bebeği sever gibi sevdim doğayı, bu doğal çevreyi. Ormandan denize inen yolları keşfettim. Havlamayı pek seven şirin beyaz köpek ve şirin keçilerle, sürekli gülümseyen köylülerle karşılaştım. Diğer yolları, tarihi patikaları tam bulamadığımdan keşfetme şansım olmadı bu sefer. Patika’ya en yakın sahil denilebilinecek yer, hiç öyle düşündüğünüz gibi bir sahil değil. İlk gördüğümde gözlerime inanamadım. Böyle bir yer daha önce görmemiştim. Kalbim durdu sanki, nefesimi de tutmuş olmalıyım ki hafif esrarengiz ve ürkütücü görüntüsüyle bedenim bi yandan alarma geçerken bi yandan doğal oluşumun, renklerin verdiği uyumla beraber güzelliği de beni heyecandırmaya başladı. Tepeden bir kaç dakika bakakaldım kayalıkların içersindeki muhteşem doğanın bize sunduğu esrarengiz sahile. Ve sonra dik bir yamaçtan indim sahile. Ufak ama müthiş kristal kayalıklarla, çakıl taşlarıyla şekil almış, tam anlamıyla turquaz ve kirlenmemiş serin suların yer aldığı, krater görünümlü  bir sahil diyebiliriz. Su soğuktu ve mayom yoktu. Fakat ben bir şekilde o sulara kendimi bırakıverdim:) O kayaların, suyun, ormanın, etrafdaki kokuların, havanın şarhoşu oldum. Amerika’da yaşadığım yıllarda Boston şehirinden de arada bi uzaklaşmak için trenle gittiğim Rockport adındaki şirin ve kayalık bir kasabayı hatırlattı bu sahil bana. Rockport, yani taşlimanı anlamına gelen bu kasaba okyanus kenarında ve kayalıkların tepesinde şekillenmiş bir kasaba. Kayalıklardan müthiş açık okyanus manzarasına seyre kalırdım, taze yengeç ve sonrasında yaz ise ev yapımı dondurmalarından yiyip, kış ise zencefilli havuç corbası içip, ilginç taşlar, kristaller, vs gibi şeyler satan dükkanlarda gezip tazelenmiş olarak Boston’daki evime dönerdim. Fakat, Faralya köyündeki bu sahil çok daha güzeldi, ya da farklı bir güzelliği vardı diyelim. Rockport’u hatırlatsa bile ikisinin de kalbimde çok ayrı yerleri var.
Günler geçtikce ve yorgunluğumun yerini temiz hava, dinginlik, sakinlik aldıkca, ben sadece bulunduğum çevreyi gözlemlemekle kaldığımı fark ettim ve ayrılık vakti yakınlaşmaya başlamıştı. Son günümde o ufacık ama kayaların sayesinde müthiş enerjiye sahip olan sahilde güneşe karşı meditasyona oturdum. Kimsecikler yoktu, güneşin ısısı ve ayağıma kadar gelen dalgaların sesleri ve serinliği eşliğinde bir meditasyon. Yinede sanki hiç oradan ayrılmayacağım gibi hislerle, İstanbul’da beni bekleyen işler, öğrençilerim, müşterilerim, ailem, ve sorumlulukları tamamen unutarak devam ediyordum oradaki yaşamıma. Sanki İstanbul başka bir dünya, çok eskide kalan buğulu bir hayat gibi. Aslında, çok da yanlış değil. İstanbul’a geldiğimde şok içinde kendimi uzaya gitmiş falan gibi hissettim. Patika’da toplam 5 gün kalmıştım halbuki, beni oraya bağlamaya yetmiş demek ki. Daha önce yine Amerika’da yaşarken gittiğim Kripalu yoga merkezinden de 1 hafta sonrasında buna benzer hislerle ayrılmıştım. Ve daha 3 gün oldu İstanbul’a geleli, geldiğimden beri içimde bir hüzün kaplı. Şehir içinde, tanıdık ortamların içersinde çevreme alışıyor gibi oluyorum ama bi yandan da sanki burası benim ait olduğum yer değil. Üstelik Erol ile konuşmak istediğim bir sürü konu vardı, Patika’da öğrenmek istediğim, deneyimlemek istediğim bir sürü neler neler...ne oldu onlara? Sanki aklım durmuştu oradayken, ya da başka bir diyarlardaydım. Belki de Patika’daki yaşam ayaklarımı yerden kesti.

Aklım hala Patika’da, dağlarda, ormanlarda, kayalıklar içersindeki sahilde...nasıl geri dönmeli oraya acaba...



Thursday, October 6, 2011

1st Year Anniversary!!


Exactly 1 year ago today I said Goodbye to USA and Hello to Turkey. I had lived in USA for 13 years, 9 of it in Boston. I didn't have much idea about what was going to happen when I moved to Turkey, similar to when I moved to USA as an 18 year old, I had the blind courage of leaving and moving away. Although this time it was more like leaving and moving on, rather than moving away. Plus when I was moving to USA I knew it was mainly for the purpose of education. Moving to Turkey had no clear purpose whatsoever, except maybe I wanted some change and adventure.
Today, during my meditation, I strongly felt the real reason of me moving back to Turkey, more specifically to Istanbul. Before I get to that, I want to write about what happened during this first year.
As I'm writing I'm trembling...my eyes getting slightly wet with tears that have been coming out since my morning yoga/meditation...and I'm nervous for no specific reason that I'm aware of at this moment...Am I nervous for sharing these with you, maybe?
I bought a 1 way ticket to Istanbul (never bought a 1 one ticket before). I flew to Istanbul on the 5th of October, arriving on the 6th, 2010. I had sent my belongings as in 25 boxes via a shipping company which was to be arrived in 2 months or so. So once I arrived home (or rather my parents home) in Istanbul I was exhausted from packing and saying goodbyes. Within a week or 2 I flew to Bodrum in the south of Turkey where we have a summer house. This was also a 1 way ticket from Istanbul. As I tried to relax and enjoy the off season emptiness of the South, warm days and cool nights, I found myself meeting locals, making friends and planning on living in Bodrum without returning to Istanbul. Ha! Remember I had no clear purpose of why I was moving to Turkey. I did want to eventually live in a quiet place away from the city, in nature, but I hadn't thought about Bodrum and imagined I would stay in Istanbul at least for a while. But life was moving on in Bodrum and I was loving it the more I stayed. I stayed there for 3 months and returned to Istanbul end of December only because I had to go and fetch my boxes from customs. I didn't plan on staying in Istanbul for too long, I was planning on living in Bodrum, for real! But then I started yoga classes in Cihangir Yoga and then Acupuncture therapy and then decided to continue in Cihangir Yoga with their Yoga Teacher Training...still thinking I'll go back to Bodrum every month or so. Then I found myself with job options in Istanbul and I was making friends. But I was very very unhappy in Istanbul. I was thinking the only reason I'm living in Istanbul now is because my acupuncture therapy is taking long. I was waiting and waiting to move away from Istanbul again...I even thought I would move back to USA if jobs in Bodrum didn't work...I was really unhappy in Istanbul for several reasons. One, living with parents after 13 years of independence was really challenging. Second, I didn't feel like I belonged to Istanbul, I felt like a foreigner...and so I acted like a foreigner. All this time I was continuing my acupuncture therapy and yoga teacher training. Then, some things started to change. It was the time after my brother and his girlfriend came to visit us and we were 5 people in the house. I found myself going mad...seriously I was like a madwoman! The house was too crowded, not to mention the 13 million crowd of people living in Istanbul that I had no interest in knowing because I didn't give them a chance or myself a chance to really look. I was like a lunatic American, afraid of Turkish people...split between an unknown Turkish personality and strong American personality. I was irritated and angry all the time. I quarrelled a lot with my family. I didn't like what had become of me and my life in Turkey. I was so frustrated not only with the chaotic city and my family but more with myself. What the hell was going on? So, one of those days when I was extremely frustrated, I decided to sit in meditation. Meditation was not something I liked really, and we hadn't studied it much in our yoga training so far. But for some reason, I felt the urge to sit in meditation. So I did. And once I sat still and closed my eyes I felt at HOME! There was craziness and ugliness outside and no place I could call Home, but I felt at HOME in meditation. It was an amazingly beautiful feeling. I don't remember if I cried during my first meditation or how long it lasted, but after that I decided to give myself homework to sit in meditation every day and see what happens. So I did. And eventually I fell in love with meditation. Few weeks later my yoga teacher gave us the same homework; to sit in meditation everyday because we had studied it now. I continued and have been continuing it ever since, every day, sitting in absolute stillness for 5-30 minutes. The more I meditated the more I was able to sit still and tolerate life. The life as it is. I just watch and observe my thoughts and feelings that pass during meditation. I sit still even though my back, or hips or knee hurt sometimes. As I continued meditation every day and my yoga teacher training and added my own yoga practice to my day...I found myself being calm, quiet and peaceful throughout the days. During this time, somewhere around June-July my acupuncture therapy was coming to an end, but suddenly my right knee was in a lot of pain. It limited my yoga practice so much that I cried from frustration. I refused to be seen by a doctor other than my Acupuncture doctor. But the knee cried in pain every day. Then I decided to try Family Constellation. I did a session in Bodrum. I felt even more peaceful after that...but that only lasted until I came back to Istanbul and faced my parents again. Meanwhile I got involved in a very short but extremely upsetting love story which lead me to crying for unknown reasons during my daily meditations. I cried during every meditation for about 2 months. The love story wasn't the reason I was crying. The love story was a vessel that lead to deep holes inside of me and stirred it all up. In a way I was cleaning up the dirt inside of me. I also did another Family Constellation session, this time with my yoga teacher, Zeynep Aksoy, in Istanbul. Again I felt more at ease and peace the days following this. But I think there was something else, maybe I still couldn't accept some things or whatever that was supposed to happen after the Family Constellation seemed taking too long. Later, I decided to stop expecting something, and just let life be itself and tried to continue working on accepting life as it is.
I don't know how to continue writing, but so many little things were happening these past several months...making really good friends in Istanbul, getting to know the Turkish culture, accepting the fact that I too am Turkish, visiting Budapest, visiting Bodrum again, and deciding to settle and live in Istanbul and not Bodrum, preparing a house to live in Istanbul...somehow little by little I found myself more and more tolerating and accepting life and especially my parents as they are...and accepting myself the way I am. Istanbul became a livable place for me, and I actually was enjoying the fact that I could stay calm and at peace while life in Istanbul continued to be chaotic! And my knee pain was a lot less, although now I seem to have a neck injury, but no worries, I'll get over that one too...
Then in September our yoga teacher training ended with a retreat in the Kaz mountains which was an amazingly beautiful experience. I was sad when departing from my group of yogi friends, but I also knew that now I have a community, a place where I belong in Istanbul. We had shared so much that I'm sure it is impossible to stay apart now, although we may not live in the same city or see each other.
So now, I am a Certified Yoga Teacher, Dietitian and Breastfeeding counselor. Already giving yoga classes at a gym and have plans for my new home.
I still continue my daily yoga and meditation practice. Yesterday, during my practice I saw myself back in Boston, I saw myself with my friends there and then I saw myself with my yoga teacher Jenn Pici in Boston. Her warm smiling face sent warm feelings to my heart and suddenly I was filled with courage to accept myself as a yoga teacher and go and start teaching.
Today, I designated as a holiday for myself since its my 1st year anniversary. So, I slept in and when I woke up did some gentle yoga and in the end sat for a 20 minute meditation. During shavasana, the last resting pose, I again felt myself in Boston and found tears rolling down my face, and then as soon as I sat in meditation it started again, small and then huge tears rolling down my cheeks wetting my hands, clogging my nose and throat. I was thinking, am I missing Boston, or am I sorry for leaving? That did it. I cried harder..and harder..and harder..I couldn't sit still anymore, I was bending over my legs, head on the floor crying like a madwoman...this is what happened: I had the urge to keep saying "I'm Sorry". Then I felt and then saw the reason, the unknown purpose to why I came back to Istanbul. My Mother! I was sorry to leave and keep leaving things behind and ignoring the fact that I have to face my mother..in order to move on with my life as it is..so, during meditation and in between crying I faced my mom and said: I am Sorry! ...And this went on for about 30 minutes. I realized very clearly that the main reason I moved back to Turkey is so I would learn about Family Constellation and do this yoga teacher training and have my own Family Constellation sessions done so that I can face My Mother and unravel all the knots in our family...so we can continue our family tree with tolerance, love, peace and harmony. Once I realized this I started shivering. So this must be the reason. And I am happy that all of this happened. It was not an easy process, but this is a big step forward in my life!
Thank you for reading. This was very openly written, but I felt the need to write it and share it.

(The photograph is me and my family camping in North of Turkey. I am around 16 years old.)

Monday, June 6, 2011

Meditation and Handstands

I am in love with meditation as much as I'm in love with practicing handstand these days. Never did I practice these on a daily basis, but it is a fun journey! These 2 practices used to be pretty difficult and a bit scary for me and I usually chose not to do them, but now I realize I was scared because I lacked the self-confidence and courage. Now that I'm actually learning the proper way to meditate and practice handstands I can't stop doing them every morning. Adho Mukha Vrksasana (downward facing tree), the Handstand is so fun:) OK, so every day I get my legs and hips straight up there somewhere, but then I gracefully fall back down. I can't stand upside down on my own and I don't like doing it with a wall because for some reason that scares me too, maybe I prefer the comfort of a person not a wall. So, this yoga pose is said to improve your sense of balance, calm the brain and it helps relieve stress as it provides you with energy. So, great to do it in the mornings, followed by a long and deep meditation, definitely reenergizes me. The common barrier is the fear of falling since humans normally don't stand upside down, but that's what makes it fun actually. Just watch some kids and you can see they love poses that seem absurd to adults because they have no fear and they love to play. Why can't we all do the same?.. For the adult body who is tangled up with stress (from simply living on this planet) you would need to be comfortable and correctly do Downward facing Dog and Plank poses as preparation for practicing Handstand...If you don't know what I'm talking about then don't even try this yet...Then when you're ready, from Downdog, as you inhale, step one foot closer to your hands (lets say the left foot) and allow your shoulders to stack right on top of your wrists, (similar to coming towards plank pose) gazing down somewhere between your hands, neck relaxed. Exhale and as you engage your core (the bandhas) straighten the other leg (the right) and flex the foot as you kick up. You may want to just kick up with that straight leg for a few times. Then, rest in Child's pose for a few breaths...and start again. This time as you kick up, bring the other leg along to stack your hips on top of your shoulders, and if you can stay like that great, if you fall or are afraid try it facing a wall or with someone holding you at the hips. Once upside down need to remember to keep the legs close and straight and the feet flexed...and keep doing this until you're tired, then rest in Child's pose before continuing your practice. By the way, flexing the foot is stretching your toes towards your head. Check out yoga journal for detailed info.
Funny that I actually was going to write about Meditation and how my life has improved with Meditation...I find myself writing about Handstands as well:)
So, I'm just in love. I can practice yoga and meditation all day and I'm just limiting it to my morning for about 3 hours of practice which is easier to do here in Bodrum. I had given myself homework about 2 months ago while I was in Istanbul to practice meditation every day and see what happens when I do it in the middle of chaotic Istanbul life. Well well well...it worked so beautifully:) I couldn't manage a routine every day, but I did manage to practice meditation somewhere in the day whether it was 5 minutes or 15 minutes (tried harder to do it in the mornings as it sets my mood for the day). Even just a few minutes if I was in a rush would help me internalize and remember that everything that is important, everything that I need is inside, not outside. No need to get angry or hurry or judge, life will happen as it is supposed to. All the love and peace is already within me ever since I was conceived, it just takes a few minutes of closing your eyes and sitting silently without moving to remember this...Even if there is a traffic jam, mean guys yelling for no reason, kids screaming, impatience, unrespectful people, pain or confusion or a nice atmosphere around you...it only takes a few minutes every day, just close your eyes and watch!
Well, after a month had passed I was so happy and thought yes I figured out this Meditation. Haha! Then my knee started to hurt again and became a limitation to my yoga and meditation practice. It became more painful to sit in meditation. I didn't want to go to yoga classes, I wanted to practice on my own. Then (just when I needed the motivation) we were advised to start our own practice during our yoga teacher training...oh how I missed that..to practice for hours every morning on my own. So I tried harder to practice myself at home..and was going to Bodrum where I can easily practice on my own anyway. Before I left, one of our yoga teachers was giving a meditation course. So I went. He said it's common for people who don't know meditation to think that people who meditate have no pain, but they actually do and they are able to tolerate the pain. I was translating the teacher who spoke in English to a crowd of Turkish yogis and when I heard him say this I couldn't help myself and say "Really?" and in my mind I'm thinking, 'I had no idea. How did I think I knew meditation' and 'That must be why I didn't like meditation before because I didn't want to tolerate pain? Huh? But what about my knee pain, I thought pain in the knee meant the start of an injury?'. So, when you don't know and sit in meditation and feel pain you may quit or think you aren't able to do it. But my knee pain? He said if you feel like it's an injury then you may change your sitting position, otherwise you need to sit without moving for 30 minutes, eyes open gazing on the floor in front of you. Hmmm
Later, I continue to practice meditation every day. I start to think: Could there be some psychological pain? Maybe. I feel the pain. I accept it. I don't ignore it and I'm not pushing it away. But I want to understand it. I think I am ready for Family Constellation (Aile Dizimi) a meditative therapy method to help unravel difficult family entanglements. I realize there is some unfinished business in my family's life. I may have solved some of it while living abroad away from family, but it's not complete yet. I want to continue, I want to bring it out to the open!
And we'll see what happens next. I've come so far to accept life as it is with the help of Meditation. I also now feel I can actually live in Istanbul. I can see a community there too, and some work. Maybe Bodrum isn't my only option. Wow! Change never stops right...transformations never stops! That is the beauty of life. And even more beautiful is watching these changes with your eyes closed happy in your core:)
Thank you for reading, it was long but beautiful I hope:)
I finish with the words of one of my fave songs by Donna De Lory, Bathe in These Waters:
Lost. Criticized. Hard to reach, hard to find. You will rise, I'll watch you fly. You will shine..in time. Bathe in these waters..bathe in these waters..and wash it away...wash it away...
Far..far from grace..wearing the past..on your face. You will change. Nothing stays the same. You will find..your way. Just Bathe in these waters..bathe in these water...and wash it away...
Hara Hara MahaDeva Shambo..Sharanam...

Monday, May 2, 2011

I Am From Venus!

Yep! Lately, I feel like I am from another planet, such as Venus, living in Istanbul on Earth. If I was coming from the planet Venus to inspect Earth, I would probably say this world sucks (pardon me), the living creatures here have no humanity although they call themselves human. Although, would it be easier to inspect this world and the creatures living on it as an outsider (as in someone from another planet) or insider (living within the community)? I consider myself as an outsider, foreigner living in a new community. I can't tel you where I'm from really, at least not one place, and I don't think I can call any place home anymore. This makes me so insecure about where I'm living now...dah!
But, guess what happened...I finally got myself to sit in silent meditation! (ok! it's been only 2 days in a row now, but it's been awhile since I did it). I had tried this before, maybe several times a year during a yoga class, in the beginning I hated it, was so painfully boring, and then after 6 years of yoga practice, my yoga teacher training required me to do that everyday for a month and somehow I loved it then and promised (huh?) myself I would keep doing it everyday, but of course I didn't do it once we got other assignments. But it has been always on my mind, "I have to meditate today or I have to do my own yoga practice at home today" ...it's not like I hadn't done it before, but my mind is so good at finding excuses and getting angry ever since I'm living in Istanbul.
I'm reading a book in Turkish called Mavi Orman (Blue Forest), by Defne Suman, a Shadow yoga teacher living in US and Turkey. And I'm thinking I'm so good at picking the book that exactly matches my mood and my needs at that time...this has been going on for about a year (cross my fingers!). I decided I love this book from the first page I read. Actually I love the title too! It's making me think a lot, reflect on myself and the changes in my life. I feel my yoga practice is supposed to be doing this to me, not this book, but maybe I needed the extra kick of inspiration from this book.
Actually just when I've been thinking..."I think I've learned everything I need about yoga" I am being bombarded with all these new concepts, techniques, ideas about yoga that I had no idea existed or for some reason I had been ignoring them for so long. Now I know the more I practice and the more I experience life, searching and learning never ends!
So, going back to my life in Istanbul being an alien from Venus.
I don't like what I have become while living in Istanbul with my parents. I don't feel like myself, it feels like all my self-work, from doing yoga and growing in US are gone to waste which feels like a nightmare coming true!!!
So, this is why I feel alien to a culture, house, people that supposedly I could say I'm part of, but I don't think I am really. Also, what's the point in forcing it so hard? Yes I know life is hard anywhere whatever you're doing, but I don't have the same desire to go on as I did when life was hard in US. Maybe it's the lack of a community, a safe place for me to feel welcomed and at home. I haven't found this in Istanbul, not with old friends or with my family and can't say much about new friends since it's too soon....but I have hope for Bodrum, I had the feeling of a community where I belong there, so Seriously! I just have to get settled there as soon as I can.
Anyway, I forgot to mention what happened after the meditations...I felt so comfortable, safe and at home while sitting in meditation, I felt it within me, I was IT, the safe home. And once it was over I was able to carry that feeling throughout the house and into majority of my day. Wow! This is amazing! Could I possibly do this everyday? Since, I have definitely decided to live in Bodrum and my time in Istanbul is temporary and we know the ecstasy mood after yoga and meditation is real easy to continue when you're not in a chaotic living space, Can I do this in a chaotic living space? or in other words, Could I meditate everyday in my chaotic life in Istanbul and hold on to the safe home ecstasy feeling right in the middle of chaos? I know I can do it in a full hot Baptiste style yoga class where the person literally next to me is dripping their sweat on me (and mine on them), so why not in a super crazy, smelly and crowded city like Istanbul when even living with my parents seems so crowded to me? This is going to be my homework to myself while I live in Istanbul! If I can do this then maybe I won't have to be so irritated and angry in Istanbul, I might learn something very important. Or maybe I am really from Venus and they're going to come back for me and save me from this planet:))
We'll see...I'll write to you from Venus:)
I love these words from a teacher, "Take a deep breath, and let the moment go." It makes it easier to end things when you don't want to end it but know that you have to.
Love to you all:)

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Confusion or Confucius!

Again, it has been a long time since I wrote. My life trying to adjust to living in Turkey and blogs being banned kind of made me stay away from my blog. (I will try to transfer this blog to wordpress so look for me there too). But later I realized how much I missed writing, which is so therapeutic to me. And then I realized how confused I am with my life at the moment, which somehow made me think of Confucius and led me to search him and go deeper into my thoughts. Just remember I'm no expert in philosophy, just searching myself.
Confucius, Master Kong (551-479 BCE), according to Chinese tradition, was a thinker, social philosopher, political figure, and educator. His teachings, form the foundation of the Chinese education and comportment of the ideal man, how such an individual should live his live and interact with others, and the forms of society and government in which he should participate. All these things, (education, how to be an ideal person or what is an ideal person and how should they interact with others, in a society with a government) are exactly what is nauseating my mind right now, so no wonder why my mind went to seek Confucius. He believed that people live their lives within parameters firmly established by Heaven—which, often, for him means both a purposeful Supreme Being as well as ‘nature’ and its fixed cycles and patterns—he argues that men are responsible for their actions and especially for their treatment of others. We can do little or nothing to alter our fated span of existence but we determine what we accomplish and what we are remembered for. Huh!?
His philosophy largely revolves around the concept of ren, “compassion” or “loving others” which involved deprecating oneself. This meant being sure to avoid artful speech or an ingratiating manner that would create a false impression and lead to self-aggrandizement. So, those who have cultivated ren are “simple in manner and slow of speech.” This is demonstrated through the practice of the Golden Rule: “What you do not wish for yourself, do not do to others;” “Since you yourself desire standing then help others achieve it, since you yourself desire success then help others attain it.” Also, it's added that practicing rituals are important to express respect. Subjecting oneself to ritual does not, however, mean suppressing one's desires but instead learning how to reconcile one's own desires with the needs of one's family and community. So, it is by experiencing desires that we learn the value of social strictures that make an ordered society possible. Mmmm! Interesting! Could it be related to the yoga philosophy or am I just confusing my mind even more...

Ok! As I continue my yoga practice and yoga teacher training with an injured knee and confused mind, I feel upsetness dawning on me and my inability to find a word for my latest attitude is annoying. I'm getting frustrated with my life and this realization by itself is frustrating because I'm not sure I can just be an observer of my life and surroundings. Woaaah! I have no idea what this means, but this is how I feel. But then I found Confucius said: 'When anger rises, think of the consequences.' and 'When we see men of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine ourselves.' This helps me to relax. Turning inwards and examining ourselves is not so different than the yoga philosophy. And I'm forgetting that Hey! Life, our body, our mind changes constantly, it is impossible to control it. This is a scary statement for me and I can't believe I just said this but think about it; what have you been able to control? For how long? So, if we can't control anything what should we do, just observe life passing by? or observe it and participate in it? The Answer: I have no idea, lets just turn inwards and examine ourselves and this meditation will give us the answer. Again I have no idea, not yet. I'm trying to meditate and it's a wonderful feeling but I'm still confused!!! I guess this is the way it is:)

'Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.' said Confucius, and I usually like to think that following the heart is the way to go, which again seems to relate to the yoga philosophy and the energy of the heart chakra (center) where universal love and transformation may be found.
Funny, I didn't expect to be doing or thinking most of the things that I am doing and thinking right now which is also why I'm confused. I'm realizing ok yes I'm still in some transition or transformation trying to adjust to a new culture which seems close-minded and chaotic, and in this environment I'm trying to stay relaxed and focus on my own personal development, my future, my own feelings, my own yoga practice and my own ideas of the work I want to do so I can have a flexible schedule, which unexpectedly is taking up all my time and now I'm thinking...maybe a full-time job with a set schedule and steady income wasn't so bad. Another self-realization: I'm trying to adjust to a new culture (which I'm still not sure if it's a good idea, this Turkish culture), AND I'm trying to adjust to the life-style that I wanted; flexible hours with different work opportunities.
'Ignorance is the night of the mind, but a night without moon and star' says Master Kong. Oh, I can't imagine life without the moon or stars. The moon and the stars are part of my favorites in life, which by the way, tend to be ignored because we don't look up to the sky every night to feel the energy from up there. So, maybe it's about seeking, learning, looking inside ourselves and Love!

Alright! That's it! At the moment I'm so thankful to the internet, for my life and my ability to write and think...because I feel so relaxed and less confused now. Thank you for reading:)
'I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.' Master Kong

Sunday, March 6, 2011

DOUM - Birth

Hello,
DOUM is a new center in Istanbul that provides Childbirth preparation courses, Doula services, Nutrition counsultations, Lactation Consultations and Prenatal yoga and pilates, baby yoga and Hatha yoga and more. I'm the Dietitan and Lactation Counselor and I'll provide some Hatha yoga classes. Don't worry you don't have to be pregnant to utilize the services, there are services for everyone, just check out the website. So, if you're around Istanbul, come and visit DOUM:)

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Patience is Golden!!!

Dear Everyone, I have been so out of it, haven't felt like myself or in balance or 'normal' in any way all through the month of January. I spent most of January, one of the most important months of the year for me, being sick with some unknown cold/flu in bed. I stayed mostly at home in bed, even on my birthday I was at the doctor. I had no energy, not even to think and I was so desperate to try anything to heal myself as I had never been so sick like that. I had no idea what hit me, or how it hit me, but it felt like 50 trucks hit me and pasted me on to my bed. I couldn't do any yoga, I tried but didn't help much and because I had to go give up all the things I loved for several weeks and just sleep I was feeling worse and worse. (Even sleeping which I love was becoming too much but that was all I could do). So when it did pass, although many times I thought it wasn't going to, I was able to start thinking and planning again. It made me think, maybe I'm not as patient as I thought I was, or is this sickness part of my adaptation to the Turkish environment? because if it is I don't like it and why should I force my immune system and body through such torture? Finally once my head stopped hurting but I still didn't feel good enough to go out, I ended up watching TV (yes TV and its useless shows!!) and procrastinating and then did more of it. I haven't watched TV probably for at least 3 years, (I only watched rented movies) because I realized it's useless for me when I can spend more time in nature or reading, and there is the Internet anyway, and I had promised myself I won't watch it again, even if I'm in a house where others watch it all the time. And it was going well until I had to lock myself indoors and now I'm finding it's a difficult habit to cut. So, what's going on? I'm thinking this transformation/transition mode that I seem to be stuck in is getting boring. The worst may be that I've been thinking a lot more of how it isn't working out in Turkey, or maybe it's the city Istanbul with its chaos, it's making me miss Boston and my life, my freedom there so much that I have been seeing Boston in my dreams since the beginning of January. Oh! I said my freedom in US! Hmmm. Do I have to be in US to be free, or do I have to live on the top of a mountain isolated or do I find freedom within myself? One thing I know for sure is that my yoga practice (now with the help of my yoga teacher training) is helping me learn how to find these answers and solve the mysteries of life.
Anyway, as I still struggle with these thoughts and doubts about life in Turkey and life in general that feels like torturing my mind now, I received some wonderful inspiration from my yoga teacher Jenn Pici Falk from Boston/Cambridge. It was so well written and reminded me that I'm not alone and nor is any of you. We go through the troubles and struggles and the worst and the best of life together even if we are not aware of it at all seconds. I also want to thank all of my other friends who have tried to help me and send me positive vibes through this difficult time. But Jenn's message I couldn't let go, so I am including her words below. Maybe I should also note that she is pregnant, almost due:)

For most of you, it's not birth that you're storing energy for, but it's most likely something. On this Aquarius New Moon (and Chinese New Year), I send you all strength to liven up your life here in the middle of winter! Do something that will get you out of that rut. Try a new healthy food, try a new yoga class or teacher, treat yourself to a day of beauty or wellness, go to that music concert, read that book that you've always wanted to, or better yet...book that trip to the place you've always wanted to. It's that time of the year to step out of our personal boundaries and embark on something that will bring back your zest for life!
Something I've been seeing in the media and thinking about lately, is discovering what works for you, personally. This means in all areas of life. You see, it's not so much discussed about in our world how we should go ahead and do this. It's that everything is judged in the media and our society.
So, this got me thinking as to why people aren't talking about the fact that every person is on a path to their own lifestyle discoveries. On NPR, in the New York Times, on Oprah, on network television, (can you tell I've had more time on my hands?)...there are discussions about how you should eat, yoga rebels, relationship choices, political dilemmas (which are never compassionate), and everything else you can imagine. And most of the time, there is only one side of the story told or simply not enough information given for listeners or viewers to decipher a solid feeling about the topic. However, I seem to think that our society and our media continue to shape the way people DO think. And this is what troubles me.

The "Yoga Rebel" article came a couple Sunday's back in the Times about NYC teacher Tara Stiles. Apparently she leaves out any spirituality aspect of yoga and uses the practice as a main form of physical exercise and wellness. And her teaching has been getting attention because she's beautiful, fun, knows how to market herself, and is gaining in popularity. This article (among others published this year) brought some debatable discussions in the yoga community. Tara doesn't like to follow a specific "style" or branch of yoga. She plays pop music a lot. She's getting flack from "true yogis" in her approach. And then there was the On Point interview/discussion about the new book, Poser: My Life in 23 Yoga Poses. The author is a middle-aged mother who discovered life lessons on the yoga mat, and wanted to talk about the pressures of motherhood in our society. As a mom-to-be, I already feel some of those pressures! That right there shows me more about our society. And even about the yoga community.
And yesterday's Oprah episode showed Oprah and her staffers trying a week-long Vegan challenge. Plus, Michael Pollan was on, and they showed a beef processing plant. It was an eye-opening episode for probably most of her viewers. I found it to be a bit fluffy (what can you expect from just an hour long Oprah episode?!), and the vegan expert they had on was not even a nutritionist and didn't really do a great job at discussing the proper way to cook really delicious whole food meals. Michael Pollan was way better and I just wish he would have spoke up more to America's people about the importance of shopping at Farmer's Markets for meat instead of the big chain stores, etc. (Perfect example of my own choice and opinion). In the end, at least Oprah enhanced the thought that everyone needs to be more conscious about their eating habits and do what is best for them, personally.
Which now brings me to my point. There is no "true yogi." There is no "right" way to eat. There is no "perfect" way to parent (or birth!). We are all on a path to find our own way. Yes, there are hard-core yogis. There are those who truly take the practice to another level and it's part of their every cell and being. But, there are also those that practice yoga at a gym after lifting weights, or running and they don't want to get any deeper into it than that. They might already have another outlet for spirituality. Some yoga teachers play kirtan music or no music at all. Some play Lady Gaga. And some are somewhere in between trying to find a nice balance in the midst of it all (that would be me). ;)
Of course there are better ways of eating for your health. But, who is to say that someone who is mindful of the meat they eat, and who eats whole veggies and grains as well, is any less than a vegetarian or vegan? And same goes with parenting. Of course there are pressures to buy acceptable toys, foods, clothes for your children and then also have time for yourself. But, who is to say that someone who uses cloth diapers, makes their own baby food, or home-schools their kids are any better than someone who doesn't?
These are all things I miss about teaching right now. Offering up the energy and discussion and awareness to people that it first comes from self-acceptance and discovering your own awareness before you can decide what, in our conglomeration of choices in this world, works best for YOU. So, keep on living day to day and practicing your yoga in whatever form, so that you can figure out your own sense of being. Find out more about something that you're interested in. Don't let the media do the thinking for you. Find out why you like and do the things you do, and then either keep doing them or make that change. We will fail many times and we will change our minds. The important thing is that we are doing it and we are understanding why we are making the decisions that we are.
Whew! Okay, now that I got that out there...
My pose recommendation of the month is to do any hip opener that you love. It's that time of year when we become super tight due to less activity, the coldness in our bones, and the stress. Get down into your favorite lunge, lizard pose, half pigeon, double pigeon, cow-face pose, thread the needle, frog, or anything that (once again) calls out to YOU.
Final note from EKC: Hip openers are my fave poses! So maybe you can try one and maybe you can consider watching less TV and or even stopping to watch it and find better, healthier ways to listen to yourself, what you really want to do. I know I will:)

Monday, November 1, 2010

Life is Beautiful! La Vie Est Belle!

is a wonderful Italian movie which I highly recommend you watch if you haven't already. But regardless of this movie, and regardless of what might be going on in your life, Life! is really beautiful and that is what I would like for all of us to realize. Okay, don't be skeptical please, I'll explain how I come to this realization and how you can do it too...
Lately, I have been going in a spiritual direction, practicing yoga and meditation and chanting quite a lot (well about 2 hours per day or more sometimes which is more than I've done before) which could be why I've been feeling that every day is a beautiful day and life is really beautiful. And the more I do these rituals of mine I'm feeling I'm in a very special and new beginning where I can see material life and spiritual life separately and feel some beautiful energy around me like the cool wind blowing from all directions in a storm. I feel it in every little part of my physical body. It's an amazing feeling and I can see beauty everywhere with this energy. I'm inspired by Hare Krishna Consciousness and the Bhagavad Gita as well, and Kirtan music by Dave Russell and music by Mercan Dede who is an amazing DJ delicately composing sufi-electonica type of music inspired by the sufi poet Mevlana. Check it out on his website: http://www.mercandede.com/
Now, although I don't think we really need 2 hours or so of daily devotional practice for us humans to realize life and every moment of it is beautiful, these practices and my 6 years of yoga practice has helped me realize that we need some kind of practice every day to be able to keep this beautiful, heart-melting, loving feeling inside ourselves which then has the potential to dissolve and pass into other living beings.
But, please don't get offended if you're not spiritual or not into yoga at all. I do believe there are many ways you can achieve this feeling or at least get pretty close to it. It has to be an internal and very personal/intimate desire or yearning you have for a daily practice. A practice sure could be yoga and chanting but also could be some other exercise such as running, tennis, walking or could be journaling, singing, dancing or simply lying down on fresh green grass or warm sand and staring at the sky and simply BREATHING!...just something where you are really silent, alone and only listening to yourself, your breath, your inner feelings, your gut. So that you can connect with your inner-self, and learn about yourself, your feelings, real thoughts and desires and grow (mentally/spiritually). This will not only make you happy and feel every day is special and life is beautiful but also it will help you stay positive and get through every day of your life, and stay connected with the universe or whatever you want to believe in, but best of all it will make you love yourself! Love is a very powerful word...I wish people used it more wisely, knowing what it really means.
Anyway, you can also receive multiple benefits from this practice if you plan it well. For example, if you try out some daily simple exercises every day, not only is it making you feel happy and fall in love with your life but also its helping to strengthen your physical body which is important for you to do every day for your health and in order to think clearly and get through each day of your life. So, although you may prefer to just lay down on the grass or sit in a comfy chair and watch the sky or waves or something, if you can maybe just try to add some walking and then stretching your arms and legs a bit then you are going in a great direction and one day you may even feel you can start fast walking or running too or maybe different breathing exercises:)
Other benefits are if you haven't realized already, when you're happy and positive you look more beautiful and have an amazing glow surrounding yourself which attracts happy and positive people to you too and allows negative people or situations to pass by. So, in all aspects you will be in the direction to being happy yourself and also spreading that same positive energy around you which pretty much is a wonderful service for the community. Believe me, I have bad moments too where I feel angry, ugly, too fat for my bikini or moneyless, jobless, lost or hopeless and depressed. BUT NOooooooo! I wake up!! and you should also. Love yourself, Life is Beautiful!
And remember when I said in my previous post that I decided to make change within myself and share my energy with as many other souls as possible and asked Why in Turkey? Well...the south of Turkey, Bodrum is where I feel I belong to the community that really needs me, I can feel peace and love and freshness in Bodrum and feel that I can exchange these feelings with the community here and make it an even more beautiful place. I will let you know how it goes...

A side cute story from me:
Just before I left Boston, I was in moody days and came across one of those street sellers selling stone statues from Africa and bought this very interesting statue that has a carving of only half of a face and the other half is empty, carved completed as a hole in the middle of the stone. When I asked the beautiful seller lady what it meant she told me the artist meant it to mean that we should only look at the positive sides of any situation and that is why only half of the face is carved for our eyes to see. So, you see, I realized there is always and always a negative and a positive side to every thing and situation in our lives and it is up to the individual person to decide which side to see...well do you prefer to see negatives and be miserable or see positives and be happy. I am working on the positives and hope you can try it too, its wonderful!
So, let us all work on leaving negatives behind and welcoming positives, especially new ones to allow room for more growth and happy experiences and opportunities. I hope you feel and can share my positive energy once you read this and stay with that feeling. :)

And I apologize for writing so long. What can I say, I have so much energy in me that I like to share! Thank you for reading it all.